Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown?!....
Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,'Turnaround!
Send by Jun
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Never Argue with a Woman
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.
|
Judge's Jolt
A divorce scene was getting rough and hot between husband and wife before the judge.
Wife argued fiercely, "Your honor I kept child in this womb for nine long months, brought baby out with pain and suffering, then whose baby it is?"
The judge looks at fuming husband and asked, "What do you have to say hubby?"
The husband thundered, "Your honor, if I insert a dollar in cola vending machine's hole and a can of cola drops, whose cola is it? Machine's or mine?
Wife would not accept this and replied, "Sir Judge, it was my bottle of milk and if some one injected his couple drops of yogurt maker mix then whose yogurt it is? Big milk-maker's or a small drop pusher's?
Husband replied, "Yes Judge but listen to me, when I pushed a letter in typewriter, jumped and danced hard pressing all the excitable keys to print the letter, then whose letter it is? Mine or typewriter's?
Judge was loosing his brain and yelled...
Wife argued fiercely, "Your honor I kept child in this womb for nine long months, brought baby out with pain and suffering, then whose baby it is?"
The judge looks at fuming husband and asked, "What do you have to say hubby?"
The husband thundered, "Your honor, if I insert a dollar in cola vending machine's hole and a can of cola drops, whose cola is it? Machine's or mine?
Wife would not accept this and replied, "Sir Judge, it was my bottle of milk and if some one injected his couple drops of yogurt maker mix then whose yogurt it is? Big milk-maker's or a small drop pusher's?
Husband replied, "Yes Judge but listen to me, when I pushed a letter in typewriter, jumped and danced hard pressing all the excitable keys to print the letter, then whose letter it is? Mine or typewriter's?
Judge was loosing his brain and yelled...
 |
| "You knucklehead instead of using typewriter if you had used your handwritten note, none of these would have happened." |
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Three-Kick-Rule
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
A Man With No Bad Habits
Once a man was waiting for a taxi.
A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."
Note:
I have a lot of bad habits but of course,I won't mention it here! And I'm not a beggar.
A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."
Note:
I have a lot of bad habits but of course,I won't mention it here! And I'm not a beggar.
Monday, June 6, 2011
American Doctor vs Chinese Doctor
An American tourist goes on a trip to China .. While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back
home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his 'tool' covered with bright green and purple freckles.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says 'I've got bad
news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard
of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little perplexed and says 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc'. The doctor answers 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your 'tool'.
The man screams in horror 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.
The doctor replies 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice'.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and
proclaims 'Ah yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease'.The guy says to the doctor 'Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes' says the Chinese doctor 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money!'
home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his 'tool' covered with bright green and purple freckles.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says 'I've got bad
news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard
of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little perplexed and says 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc'. The doctor answers 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your 'tool'.
The man screams in horror 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.
The doctor replies 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice'.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and
proclaims 'Ah yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease'.The guy says to the doctor 'Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes' says the Chinese doctor 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money!'
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
As Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
Though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
Want change back.
When the girls get their bill, come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
Cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
Answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
Foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
As Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
Though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
Want change back.
When the girls get their bill, come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
Cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
Answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
Foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Rising Fuel Price Jokes
Future Consumption!
Next time, we need your organ. Be prepared.
Environmental Friendly.
Speechless~~
How to get your loan approved in 9 seconds.
Second Option!
Beggar must not be chooser, giver must not be cheap-skater.
We just want your GAS! NOT MONEY!
Auction! Anyone?
Implied Message
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Harry The Betting Man!
8Bill's friend Harry arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by his attorney. Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"
Before the attorney could speak, Harry replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win." The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look. "I can prove it," said Harry. "How about a demonstration?"
The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Harry said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
Harry removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped. Harry said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The official could tell Harry wasn't blind, so he took the bet. Harry then removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!
"Want to go double or nothing?" Harry asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again! Harry climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much pissed all over the desk. The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Harry's attorney looked ashen and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.
The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Harry bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas Week : Christmas Jokes
I don't want your money, I just want the snow!
Rabbits are clever than you think.
So, that's how the idea airbag came from!
Santa, is time to look before you sit
Lesson : Don't hunt deer if you want your present.
I mean, really, dear, don't.
The world has changed...
THE MOST FUNNIEST ONE
Santa, I mean, really, don't forget your seat belt !
Prove ?
HERE
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